worn & aged

just when you are looking forward to that much needed break, a last minute glitch occurs. just got news that my sched trip has been postponed. it would still push through though but i dunno if i can make it next time. my sched has been really tight, and it’s just hard to squeeze in anything at the moment funny that the last typhoon (if i’m not mistaken) is heading towards phils. could be a blessing in disguise for all i know, not a good day to travel and definitely not a right time to dive.

 ““

finally our a/c is up and running. for the first time in many months, i am able to use my jacket again. now i feel like sleeping. i hope it’s not gonna burst into flame again.

month-end shocker! it means going later than my usual late evenings. reports here, reports there! i am so tired of making reports.

We all have a weakness
Some of ours are easy to identify.
Look me in the eye
And ask for forgiveness,
We make a pact to never speak that word again.
Yes you are my friend.

We all have something that digs at us.
At least we dig each other.
So when weakness turns my ego up,
I know you count on the me from yesterday.

If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me.
Sing this song.
Remind me that we’ll always have each other,
When everything else is gone.

We all have a sickness
That cleverly attaches and, multiplies
No matter how we try.
We all have someone that digs at us
At least we dig each other.
So when sickness turns my ego up,
I know you’ll act as a counter medicine.

If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me.
Sing this song (sing this song).
Remind me that we’ll always have each other,
When everything else is gone.
oohhhh each other, when everything else is gone.

If I turn into another,
dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me.
Sing this song (sing this song).
Remind me that we’ll always have each other,
When everything else is gone.
oohhhh each other (sing this song) when everything else is gone.
Oh each other, when everything else is gone.

it’s the first time i heard this song–jam2 shared his new incubus album, i dunno the lyrics so i googled it. i’m sleepy and i dunno what to do…

didn’t felt like i just had a vacation. it was probably the longest break our company had in a long time but i didn’t go anywhere, instead i choose to remain in my bed and catch up some sleep. wednesday–the day before thanksgiving, the guys and i decided to chill out and have a few bottles. i wasn’t really thinking of drinking much since we’re suppose to work the following day, tough huh? while everyone else was lazing around, we are forced to work, anyway they have this daily counter-strike game, while they were killing each other off, i met up with some friends for a game of pool supposedly but the tables were all taken, so we decided to rent the per room videoke. i wasn’t really in the mood, i dunno but they asked why i was singing all those depressing songs… i can’t even explain myself lol… when the guys texted me, i scurried off. there’s this 24-hr tapsilog corner right across the office, they have this 6 bottles + sisig promo. we ordered one and the sisig turned out to be too oily. it tasted weird! yuck! and so the tale of the never ending plot began… earlier while lunching, we had this discussion about the look-alikes– while everyone else was paired with a rockstar, i interjected by telling them, our ofcmate looked like one of the accoustic singers in manila–suddenly silence fell—they all stopped with what they are doing and looked at him and broke down in laughters. it was a hilarious moment, and while we drinking, they just couldn’t get enough of it, so the topic goes back to our naming-game. topics shifted and so another round was ordered to quench our thirsty throats. we were just finishing off when annarki arrived. we called her up and she added another set. whoa! that would be 4 sets in all. shucks, i haven’t drink this much in 48 years, i think i’m going to puke. anyway i introduced her to the rest of the gang. thi ended up going home very early–yep, very early dawn. it was almost 4 and i was way too sleepy, and the world is beginning to spin around. the following day i was too lazy to wake up early though, i was thinking of not going to the office and run some errands, i ended up sleeping. friday i finally went to bir to settle my case and went to the bank. went home and slept. saturday was boring. there was nothing to do, household chores didn’t appeal to me, so i ended up sleeping again, i only woke up to watch the bottlefest concert in ayala. not really into concerts these days but i couldn’t pass the chance of seeing my idol kitchie char! so i was in the front row. went home when urban dub started to play, though i love them, the crowd was getting rowdy and it’s a stupid idea to stay really. i was tempted to hang out at outpost for awhile but i was getting sleepy. sunday was more sleeping time– so that’s how i spent my weekend. i guess i needed sleep more than anything else.

i couldn’t help feeling guilty, but of course i know i am not to blame for it. life is full of surprises and sometimes, we just don’t like what’s in store for us. i guess we just need to stop and reflect and it’s never too late to undo anything.

to better explain my position: here’s the story:

a few months back i was talking to some friends in the office, which we normally do during breaks. in one of those ocassions, i read a fellow’s palm. i didn’t want to tell her the what i saw, she was so insistent, and so i told her… i told her she and her bf of more than 4yrs will not end up together. it was a shocker really coz they were planning to wed soon. i saw the horror in her eyes, she was so worried about it, but i told her not to mind what i just told her, her destiny’s her own choice and should not be dictated by a mere palm reading. so we’ve forgotten about it, then just last week, a close friend told me my reading came true. i told her she’s gotta be kidding, she said she wasn’t— the girl didn’t tell us yet coz she is still hopeful there is a reconciliation. in a way i felt guilty coz i told her something that bothered her deeply, and who knows it brought negative energies to their relationship that’s why they split. on the other hand, she had me to thank for, coz it would have been more painful had i not told her what’s coming up.

i couldn’t collect my thoughts–i have a lot of drafts but was unable to finish it, or i guess i just duwanna write anymore. i’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately and looking at things from a different perspective has shed some light on issues that have left me sleepless. some trivial things that left my very core shaken–now i wonder what’s left of it… i guess i am full of complications, but i owe it also to the factors surrounding me. but it is simple—one will never begin to understand me unless one takes time and listen to what i have to say or what my opinions on some stuffs are. i’m so tired of playing dumb—acting like i know nothing, when in fact i know what’s the buzz. still i helded on coz i thought this was worth saving. it’s just—sometimes, when you really think about it, makes you realize that whatever you have been keeping has since died a long time ago. and suddenly it doesn’t come as a surprise. nothing surprises me anymore. in some sense maybe i am bitter and that bitterness has almost led me to destruction. i was at my lowest, i was angry and it weakened my defences. and it was hard to endure, especially when friends just couldn’t be found. been slowly rebuilding my life, now—with fences around. i realize that it will be hard for me to give my trust to anyone. i never had doubts before, now is a different thing. but if i were given a chance to change anything, i would still want to go through the same process. this was a test of how much i can endure, and it’s a test of who my real friends are…

i guess i would say that i am more at peace with myself. there are less complications and i am happier. just wanted to maintain this kind of sobriety for awhile. it opened a lot of doors for me, and i had a chance of really knowing myself & appreciating what i have.

when you are sick, you think about a lot of things, whether you are getting better or getting worse, at some point you think about death, and all the loved ones you’re going to be leaving behind. the stuffs that you’re suppose to do, but never had the guts or the time to spare. and all other morbid things you can think of. and that my folks is exactly what i was thinking on friday, when i thought the world was finally crumbling down into pieces. there was a moment of panic for a split second. of course, the idea of going to the hospital is stamped in my head, but my stubborn ass told me, no way man, you’re not gonna go to the hospital. everyone was urging me to go, i would really want to stop and scream LEAVE ME ALONE! on top of my lungs, but, sigh! i couldn’t do that to my family. no matter how irritating it may sound, but i know they only want the best for me. i had a choice, i’d have gone to the office and work—sometimes i find refuge in working, i am in my element when working, i am in control! but i was too weak to stand up. my stomach cringed in pain everytime i move, my head spinning and my ass—nevermind. they thought it was amoebaiasis, i had my doubts, but the pain was so real that i didn’t care anymore. i was in agony. food was a waste, i ended up puking everything i ate. goodness, it felt like i was beaten 40x. my strength was gone, save it for the supply of gatorade and an apple, yes, an apple was my first and only real meal that fateful friday. maybe there’s a truth to the saying that an apple a day keeps the doctor away. thankfully i was never dehydrated. after a few bottles, i regained about 1\16 of my strength. i spent about the entire 3 days in bed. didn’t watch tv, just lying there— wide awake, a lot of things going through my head. and so death becomes the main topic. then it dawned on me that i’m not gonna die young. i mean i am tough, i’ve been in worst situations before and i never really thought of death. i mean, giving up never really entered my head, but of course, there is always the what ifs of this world. and now i am okay, still not fully recovered but definitely okay.

fay on Nov 8th, 2006 said:

about:

love… and why it is such an “important” thing
friendship… and why it can be so fragile
family… and that no matter how we take them forgranted, they are really all we have

CHAR!!!

oh, di ba?

my thoughts on:

love: i am such a hopeless romantic, i believe everything revolves around love. we may not admit it but consider this—why do we make sacrifices? it’s because we love our jobs, we love the world, we love the person, that everything is worth the sacrifice. though for selfish reasons there is always an ulterior motive but despite that, what keeps us going is love. love is not just for the romantics, it’s for everyone else, and it’s free so why waste it?

friendship: and why it can be fragile—first, i think that kind of friendship is just skin-deep. or maybe it isn’t friendship at all. we are blinded with the fact that it is. i’ve had my share of friends, they come, they go but despite the distance, the closeness remains. friendship has no boundaries, as long as you are being honest with each other, your friendship goes a long way. it’s a common misconception that when you hang out often, you are the best of pals, maybe it holds true for some, but i had my bitter share. now i know better. how can you call someone a friend when he/she can’t even explain why she’s acting that way? someone who doesn’t even know why you acted that way, why you are upset? why are you happy over a very shallow matter, or why you just wanted to act that way. i guess being a “real” friend means understanding you, even if you’re acting strange, but most of all, the most important thing is, being honest enough to tell you if you are wrong, even if it hurts. i guess sometimes familiarity breeds contempt.

family: they’re all i have! yes although at times we do not agree with our family, we are there to support them, i guess it’s really hard to fathom that, but it’s so true, as they say blood is thicker than water. but i guess bottomline is, our family has no choice—they can’t just leave us behind, they must love us so much that they are willing to make the ultimate sacrifice just to make us happy.

just got the news, a friend of mine has fallen prey in the hands of the enemies. would not like to mention the affiliations here but these 2 groups have been in constant squabbles since time immemorial. tension arises, my whole body shaking, reality gently sinking in. it can’t be! we were just talking about him on nov 2. gosh talk about coincidence. i’m trying to contact his gf, she must be in great pain right now. i know i would be, if i were in her shoes. he is a great loss to the climbing community, and also for the rescue group. imagine they were suppose to get married this year but they postponed it till next year–oh my god! i’m still in shock. i can’t think straight, i need to get it out of my system.

and so i wonder? what’s it with good people and dying young? i seem to be surrounded with friends– dying  in the prime of their lives. so i always bear in mind that i have to live my life to the fullest. live each day as it were my last, coz you’ll never when your time is up—so when my time comes, i will have no regrets. that i have done the things i love doing. i dunno, i’m still in denial stage. i am still hoping that the info is  wrong, and that it was just a case of mistaken identity. but on the other hand, it’s a good thing that he can finally rest, he’s been hiding from the enemies for a long time, even before this whole frat stuff got out of proportion. that’s why he prefers climbing over the city life. i guess that’s how it goes… no matter how cruel this life may be, but it’s a lesson well-learned. we have just to accept that there’s a masterplan.

• finally my mom checked out from the hospital this afternoon.
• currently feeling sleepy… yawn!
• wishing it’s a friday.
• wanna go home and sleep (huh?).
• listening to Yngwie Malmsteen’s manic depression.
• hoping i am in two places at the same time.
• wish i could make up my mind.
• can’t think of anything to blog–i guess i’m just too busy to think.

some people are damned insensitive. i can’t believe it! i am very disgusted, though i am often not. i mean, if someone ask you to stop telling gory details about shit, then you must, or go somewhere else. when i was growing up i was taught that the wise man need not be told twice, now i wonder… just how many wise people are there? it pisses me off that some just don’t get it, you ask nicely to defer talking about the subject until later, but you are continually teased. hello! i raise both hands in surrender. i dunno what’s right or wrong anymore.

so why am i so sensitive about the topic? there are days where i don’t feel like listening to it. I can eat, while you talk shit, i don’t really care and it doesn’t make me puke, but c’mon! there are a lot of issues to talk about, why that? has your brain shrunked to a pea-size that you can’t even think of other topics? and what’s so special about it anyway? we all go through our toilet rituals, we don’t need your details. you have succeeded in ruining my day!

this is one of those days, where i enjoy my solitude. i’d rather be alone, than be with a bunch of ass-holes.