worn & aged

after 48 yrs of waiting and endless torments we finally talked. i dunno how to describe it, but it seems like i still need your confirmation before making the final decision. i know it’s kinda bullshit but i guess that’s how it goes. for the first time i feel excitement again. but of course the magic is dead, but i’m so looking forward to the coming events. so looking forward to seeing you again. and so looking forward to everything.

Harlequin books seeks “real men” for covers

this is more like it!

i grew up confused because i thought something was wrong with my imagination. i’m an avid reader of harlequin romance and sometimes it’s exciting to choose a book that has gorgeous man on the cover, but you end up disappointed coz while reading you discover that it’s far different from the character described. even the skin color is way different.

i’m so glad they’re finally making a huge step & correct this wrong notion. surely they don’t want to confuse up-coming readers too.

it’s saturday night and here i am at home–i’m not used to lying idle on a saturday night. was supposed to join some friends at this german poetry reading but i opted not to go. lui had been texting me & urging me to party, it’s bob day at paseo by the way. much as i wanted to, i didn’t go, coz i’m pretty sure i’ll just be a pain in the ass. i duwanna have fun coz i can’t afford to have fun, i am depressed–as in very depressed. gosh i wish somebody would nail me or bang my head really hard, so my skull will crack & my brain would splurt out. i dunno what came over me, but i’m pretty certain it’s the email that did it. i duwanna even remember it, maybe i’ll get better tomorrow. maybe i should have gone to dumaguete with cio. maybe i need to sleep more huh!

the new office setup is cramping my style. i’m not used to a very small cube, yet alone a neighbor at my back. whew, it’s suffocating in a sense and i can’t stand the light. the glare is straining my eyes and i have had a series of headaches to begin with. and the aircon is blastedly cold, unceremoniously spewing chilly air over my head. if that’s how cold everest is, i’ll take everest any day duh! but i am just a production worker, i have no right to complain over stuffs which the company think, is just trivial. there are just selfish people around the office, someone who gives no damn to the rest of the occupants, just to satisfy their squirmy little needs or wants rather. i dunno how long i can hold my breath though, even our shoe locker awfully stinks. gosh i’m going to die of lung failure sooner or later. everytime i open our locker, the smell just keep getting better and better. somebody from our team has smelly feet or sneakers, whichever comes first. arghhhhh i hate blogging about it but i just can’t help it. this is an insane & shitty blog whahahaha… guess i’m half-crazy already, need to stop this madness.

just how hard it is to decide? i have been asking myself that. it has caused me many a sleepless nights & up til now i am still confused. whatever my decision will be, will haunt me for the rest of my damn life. oh god i’m so fucked up.

always expect the unexpected.

 it’s always a thrill to embrace each new experience without so much of an expectation. like taking one step at a time, and pausing from time to time to catch your breath and feel your surrounding. it’s been rather a disappointment to always set a standard in everything you do, so why not change for a bit? i mean there’s nothing to loose and you end up happier when you live for the moment. each new experience brings fulfillment or disappointments. just be happy & content with what you have.

friday was one hell of a party! it was doodles’ (govinda) despidida bash. had a hearty dinner at aa’s and then went straight to cmall for the videoke moment. there the fun started. i think i may have one drink too many and it was all nowl’s fault. he ordered 1 lapad & 1 long neck. i was pretty sane still but of course i am not a tanduay drinker coz it tastes yucky and i feel like really throwing up ugh. one thing i like about it though is the fact that everyone was in the mood for party! it was the first time i partied with these guys & i was amaze at them. there was screaming & yelling & ice throwing, but it was all fun. i’m sure gonna miss doodles! i mean we just bonded quite recently as in really bonded, with our coffee talks at bytes & brews and at bo’s. on monday the marketing guys will transfer to the other room so we won’t have that much chika. it’s going to be a strange feeling. but of course life has to go on, and the point is–we are having fun!!!!

it’s a nagging feeling that something bad will hit us pretty soon. i can feel the ground shakes under my bare feet. i hope it’s nothing though

it’s probably not a good idea but sometimes we just have to let go of the past. i’m not sure if i follow though but sometimes i wonder if maybe that’s what’s lacking. got a lot of struggles and i mean i’ve been hurt countless of times but i chose to remain hurt. or maybe i like the feeling of it. suddenly realization slapped me really hard. i felt the intensity & then i realize that i cannot always dwell on my past. i need to move on & the only barrier keeping me from moving on is my inability to let go of my dark past. i dunno but having read ja-di’s compo made me realize something–that there is a big world out there. i guess i’m sort of melodramatic about it. i hate being emo but sometimes can’t really help it. it’s a good thing i’m not a cry baby though.
but the great thing is i feel happy right now. i feel light & i feel alive…
it’s such a nice feeling….

it’s one of those days again. i dunno but right now everything is messed up. i’m feeling a little edgy & lonely? i guess it’s what you call the blues. after my hyper-active weekend, i seem to have stumbled to ground zero. or maybe this is the effect of too much partying? i should just spend my weekends at home. still way behind on dvds & some projects. i can’t explain myself right now. i need to get away—away from everything. i hate it when i am on an escape mode. it seems i’m always running away from something & i never seem to focus on anything when i am in this situation. sometimes i wish i would just evaporate in the face of the earth. but of course that isn’t the answer to all my problems. i easily absord problems & it’s confusing & dangerous.