worn & aged

i just wanted to greet everyone a happy christmas, so when i saw my avid ex-suitor online, i greeted him. it was just a casual conversation, then i asked him when he’s getting married, he told me that he got married already, whoa that was a shocker for me, coz we haven’t been talking for awhile. i congratulated him and didn’t ask for details. he asked if i found somebody yet, and i told him not yet, i’m a drifter, that’s why it’s hard for me to find someone, and he said that’s why he had trouble catching up with me, coz i am like that, wow! that’s too much revelation. but all of it is in the past now. what’s important now is that we are talking and that both of us have no regrets.

it’s one of those fuckin days. right now i really feel like crying coz i dunno what to do. talk about losing my grip, i’m on the edge already and i hate it coz i dunno what’s wrong with me. i hate it! i hate it! i wish everything is different and i wish i’d not be in this situation coz it’s frustrating me. nothing is wrong, maybe it’s the weather, or maybe it’s because i am sick or maybe i dunno. i am very tempted to light a cigarette and puff, i haven’t done it in a long time and i miss it.

i thought i know myself better, but now it seems i don’t. i have to admit that i am very lost, the road is dim, and it feels like i’m walking in circles. i hate myself for feeling this way, i am used to being so sure of myself, and right now i feel totally out of control. the guys are outside having a good time, i can hear them laughing but i just don’t have the heart to join them and be merry. instead i am stuck here in my computer writing this damn blog. i can’t understand why i am like this. i feel like crying for no apparent reason. maybe something is wrong with me, maybe i am slowly losing my grip. i don’t think it’s the weather though. there’s more to it than meets the eye.

here i am again, at my wits end. i hate it when i reach this point, i am bound to do harm onto myself. yesterday i was really contemplating on shaving my head, everyone had an opinion and they all hated the idea. the truth is i am no longer happy with my hair and it looks so boring now, or maybe it’s the weather, it’s making me feel depress. anyway i gatecrashed at troy’s place, they were supposed to play wii but when i got there, they were watching final fantasy. it was like in the middle of the film when troy suggested i dye my hair platinum–actually it did occur to me too but i am a little hesitant coz by then i would really look japanis. iwiz volunteered to shave my head and pay me hahaha, anyway they all succeeded in diverting my attention otherwise i would have done it. so at the end of the day i didn’t get what i want so i poured my frustration on food—we went to this thai resto in karama which is swamped with kabayans. and the posters on the wall was about filipino stars lolz and the videoke was playing regine’s music arghh… initial reaction was, am i in the right place? how could one eat in peace with regine shrilling in the background? anyway papartz and gerald were low on battery (they looked beaten up), and were about to fall asleep on their chairs ( i guess it’s the music, duh!). iwiz and i concentrated on showbiz chika, we weren’t really updated on what’s the latest chismis. the guys can’t take it no more, so we called it a day.