worn & aged

i am tired of thinking…i have been thinking a lot, especially with this flat business… just moved in to this new place–my boss’ mom’s old place (she died by the way)  and a week after my boss told me i can’t live there coz the landlady said it’s for families only. what a bunch of crap! now i am in a dilemma, i am due for a holiday and i can’t really be excited about, knowing i have nowhere to crash in when i get back. this is all so fucked up. i hate this freaking place, they never really prioritized the bachelors, they only think of the families.

i hate moving around coz it’s such a hassle, i shouldn’t have moved from my old place, it’s a capital H-A-S-S-L-E. But i love the new place, it’s really cool, and i am alone, the only problem is, it is too far from my office, now i am thinking of getting my license here and a car.

a few months back i spent my life in solitude, not that i regretted it but it’s my choice and it seems to fit my mood. i guess everyone was wondering what the hell happened to me. i never called my friends, i never see them, hardly called home, in short i was sort of incommunicado–i only talked to those who are constantly around me–mostly job related that is. sometimes i wonder what’s wrong with me, i dunno, i guess i am just going through a phase. i stopped blogging, stopped taking photos, stopped everything i loved doing except diving. sometimes it is hard to explain but i am not depressed. i am just probably tired of doing a routine work. i always hated routine and is constantly eager to try something new.

i guess i am back to my old self again coz i managed to open up my blog. i feel a lil energy sipping in my veins now, i hope this is for good, or i wondering how long it’s gonna last.

i just wanted to greet everyone a happy christmas, so when i saw my avid ex-suitor online, i greeted him. it was just a casual conversation, then i asked him when he’s getting married, he told me that he got married already, whoa that was a shocker for me, coz we haven’t been talking for awhile. i congratulated him and didn’t ask for details. he asked if i found somebody yet, and i told him not yet, i’m a drifter, that’s why it’s hard for me to find someone, and he said that’s why he had trouble catching up with me, coz i am like that, wow! that’s too much revelation. but all of it is in the past now. what’s important now is that we are talking and that both of us have no regrets.

it’s one of those fuckin days. right now i really feel like crying coz i dunno what to do. talk about losing my grip, i’m on the edge already and i hate it coz i dunno what’s wrong with me. i hate it! i hate it! i wish everything is different and i wish i’d not be in this situation coz it’s frustrating me. nothing is wrong, maybe it’s the weather, or maybe it’s because i am sick or maybe i dunno. i am very tempted to light a cigarette and puff, i haven’t done it in a long time and i miss it.

i thought i know myself better, but now it seems i don’t. i have to admit that i am very lost, the road is dim, and it feels like i’m walking in circles. i hate myself for feeling this way, i am used to being so sure of myself, and right now i feel totally out of control. the guys are outside having a good time, i can hear them laughing but i just don’t have the heart to join them and be merry. instead i am stuck here in my computer writing this damn blog. i can’t understand why i am like this. i feel like crying for no apparent reason. maybe something is wrong with me, maybe i am slowly losing my grip. i don’t think it’s the weather though. there’s more to it than meets the eye.

here i am again, at my wits end. i hate it when i reach this point, i am bound to do harm onto myself. yesterday i was really contemplating on shaving my head, everyone had an opinion and they all hated the idea. the truth is i am no longer happy with my hair and it looks so boring now, or maybe it’s the weather, it’s making me feel depress. anyway i gatecrashed at troy’s place, they were supposed to play wii but when i got there, they were watching final fantasy. it was like in the middle of the film when troy suggested i dye my hair platinum–actually it did occur to me too but i am a little hesitant coz by then i would really look japanis. iwiz volunteered to shave my head and pay me hahaha, anyway they all succeeded in diverting my attention otherwise i would have done it. so at the end of the day i didn’t get what i want so i poured my frustration on food—we went to this thai resto in karama which is swamped with kabayans. and the posters on the wall was about filipino stars lolz and the videoke was playing regine’s music arghh… initial reaction was, am i in the right place? how could one eat in peace with regine shrilling in the background? anyway papartz and gerald were low on battery (they looked beaten up), and were about to fall asleep on their chairs ( i guess it’s the music, duh!). iwiz and i concentrated on showbiz chika, we weren’t really updated on what’s the latest chismis. the guys can’t take it no more, so we called it a day.

i still got the blues for you….

i could hear gary moore singing in the background, i guess my situation now is pretty depressing. aside from the song, that is!
so i went to the island of kish, in iran for my exit. need to renew my visa since i’d been here for 3 months already. the mood i was in was pretty depressing coz i heard a bunch of stories about how hard it is at the island. i braced myself for the worse. how my mind worked out the things i imagined, i dunno, but it’s been working overtime and it made me skittish. i actually psyched myself, and it turned out it’s not that bad at all. i was having a great time i guess, but it was so uncomfortable with all the layers of clothes i had to wear. but nothing could compare to my astonishment when i received a faxed copy of my visa–wait! there must be a mistake! i knew i was due for another round of visit visa, before they will provide me with an employment one. if it were in another situation, i’d be glad that i got it, or maybe if it was somebody else–same goes, but i am not somebody else, and i am in a different situation. i duwanna be tied up for the next three years. i mean i am waiting for another opportunities to come my way and right now i am really disappointed. i may sound so ingrate, with all the blessings i have received. i duwanna talk about it anymore–sigh!

got a call from gerald yesterday, he told me he got me a ticket for the pink concert this wednesday yipeee!!!!. oh my geez!!! i’m so ecstatic! i’m so looking forward to the concert, it would be my first concert here in dubai. i hope it’s going to be a blast. this afternoon, i’m going out with him to the wii party at troy’s house. last week we played wii at gerger’s place and troy’s gf kinda like playing wii, so they bought one and they are throwing a party at their flat this afternoon. i dunno what’s in store but i hope there’s a lot of tequila hehe.

i dunno what’s up with me, i can’t think straight and i can’t sleep well at night, some things are bothering me right now. i wish i could attend to my personal problems. it’s just so hard to think for the moment. i have been away for so long. i would love to have a good night’s sleep… if only for tonight.

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the situation is killing me, i thought it was all for the best, i was really hoping thing were going smoothly, but with a sigh, i must say that i was wrong. it’s so hard to accept that some things didn’t go as planned. what i don’t understand is why you so cold towards me, i can’t begin to fathom what went wrong, now you left a big question mark on my head. i duwanna go through this process again, i am tired of this situation–it’s always been like this, why can’t i be happy for once?

my mind’s wandering from lack of sleep. for the nth time, went home just as the sun was rising. it was a great night of pure partying. waited for the clock to turn 12 so we can greet our friend a happy bday while they were performing on stage, but that bitchy vocalist announced she’d lost the tissue. what the f&*k! i wrote a note on the tissue, and i was about to give it to the waiter so that asshole vocalist can read it, but they threw away the tissue coz they are afraid i might cause some tension… lolz i just love tension hehehe. anyway, everyone got pissed off, so we decided to try videoke. we’re told we only have an hour left to sing coz it’s really late and they are about to close down. i guess it isn’t our night after all. so after our singing stint, everyone was not so gearing to go home yet, so we tried our luck at dancing. shit happens! saw an old schoolmate and i ended up dancing with him. i dunno what happened, i duwanna think about it but shit does happen! oh geez i am not making sense. anyway i was kinda bored already and i wasn’t a bit tipsy, i guess that’s what makes it boring. my friends were obviously caught in the dance fever so i waited for them while scanning the vicinity for possible eyecandies–nada. we went out just as they were about to close and my gosh it’s too bright. no wonder it’s about 5am. decided to have some coffee first before heading home. it’s always a weird feeling to go home when the sun’s already out, and you are still wearing the shirt you wore last night….