worn & aged

i know i was never a good person, now everyone wants to kill me for not telling them i’m in town. you have to forgive me my friends, but even my family didn’t know i was going to be home for the holidays. everyone knows that i come and go whenever i like, and if i say something in advanced, then that means it isn’t me anymore. right now i’ve been swamped with messages, inviting me to go have a tête with them. my calendar isn’t really booked up, i just wanted to have some time with myself–to sleep and eat and eat hehehe. i already have an invitation to go diving, hopefully all goes well according to plan–which there’s none actually! and i am also looking forward to this weekend’s photoshoot. chi jadex was able to squeeze me in her group’s photo-op in iloilo. i feel really alienated right now, coz everyone here’s so high-tech and i don’t belong to any group so i could say i am left behind. nonetheless i am happy just to tag along and do what i love the most–taking pictures! hopefully i will have a great time there eventhough i dunno 99% of the folks i am going to be with, but i really don’t care coz we are there for one purpose and that is to shoot.

<<=>>

i messaged chanks this pm, coz chi jadex told me he’s here still. i told him i am in town, and he asked when i arrived, and why i only told him now, he said he’s already flying early morning and packing his bag, so he can’t see me. WTF!–i just learned that the new gf is with him now, so probably the reason why he can’t see me…oh well.

sometimes you just need to take a breather right? and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it! everyone’s been wondering what’s wrong with me. i guess they’re not used to me being so laid back. at the moment everything’s suspended! well, excuse me for being lazy, but that’s exactly what i am feeling right now. i haven’t been diving for awhile—i got me so many excuses! i haven’t touched my camera in long time, it is buried in dust somewhere. haven’t blogged, haven’t done the usual stuffs i love. i wouldn’t call it stress—i am not sure if there ever is a word to describe what i am feeling right now. what i want is to relax my mind, breathe deeply, sleep, eat and never think of anything complicated. i am not sure if i am almost at the borderline towards insanity but i wanted it this way–only for a moment, that is.

sometimes prove to be helpful. oh c’mon a little white lie wouldn’t hurt, right?

i just told the guys i’m going to be sick tomorrow, boss asked if i was okay and they were all laughing. they want me to go to the musandam arghhhhhhhh. have i known i’m still going there whether i like it or not, i would have said yes to the guiding part. gosh, i am going snorkeling! sounds like a really cool thing to do, but to tell you the truth it is not! i hate swimming around with the life ring attached to my hand. snorkeling is good only if you are doing it, not guiding. arghhhhhh again!

anyway, let’s see how it goes tomorrow. i am anticipating storm coming this part of town, mean mean mean me hahahaha. i hate waking up very early that’s why. i am never a morning person. and tomorrow i have to wake up earlier coz i have to make a wake-up call for my snorkeling partner, if i don’t do it his dad would kill me hahaha, nope i would be dead, with the number of snorkelers i’ll be guiding!

wish me luck! i’m gonna watch a movie tonight, i don’t care if i have to wake up very early!

you do things in the spur of the moment. one of my good friend instructor told me i am very lazy! just today he told me to do the discover program, he will be there to observe. i told him i will think about. of course i want to do the dsd but right now i duwanna jump in the pool, not that i don’t like it, but the water is dirty, i have to wait until they change the water–well call me maarte but i used to stay in the pool for a long time and later i have white patches in my skin. i’d rather go and dive at the beach, and this time of year it’s just too hot. i told him i lacked motivation. he was surprised coz i used to be very active. i guess the bottol line is– i got LAZY. so while i am not on with it, i channeled my attention to something else. when frank told me he is conducting an efri class, i told him i will join him. i still need to do my care for children before i am eligible to join the instructor course, it’s like a suicide, i joined marky’s cfc class, and had almost 30mins break, then went on to join the efri class without reading my manual ( just got it 5mins before class started haha!), the whole program runs for 3 days, i asked my boss to excuse me from my work whilst attending the full course. it was fun, educational, and it’s on a different level. i dunno why i took it really, it’s just that i got bored and need to do something with my life. i never really think teaching is fun you know, it never occured to me really! but anyhow, i survived it! then last tuesday, they asked me to assist in the classroom. technically i can’t teach yet coz i don’t have my license yet but i am preparing myself for this job. it’s like another milestone for me. anyway, too much talking about myself. i just wished i finished my DM course soon so i know where to go from there.

the need to express, the need to feel numb, the need to be alone.

the past days had been rather painful, i dunno why i feel this way. i can’t even understand my feelings. i guess i have a massive attack of depression. who am i kidding anyway? i thought i have already let go of my past but i am wrong, very wrong. i can still feel the prickling of the pain every time i see him. i dunno what’s worse though. but i am glad i have made it this far. i am glad that now i no longer have what-ifs troubling my mind. everything is clear now and i perfectly understand why the world is round… this blog is so messed up, it totally reflects what’s on my mind right now. it is very cruel but what can i do? i have to dig deeper and move on with my life. i am totally lost right this very moment, that is on top of my personal problems i’ve been dealing with right now. a friend commented and asked why i was bitter, because he is not used to seeing me bitter, but i told him sometimes we can’t just help it. drinking it not helping though, i just have a bottle of vodka, pseudo boyfriend brought me one, housemates and i just knocked down the last bottle of JD–don’t get me wrong, i am not an alcoholic, we just love to drink a thing or two after a hard days work. it sort of put us to sleep and keep us sane in the morning… i guess i should stop it, but it might take awhile, right now, i have to numb myself from all the heartaches i am going through.

i can’t believe i’ve been in this part of the world for 3 months now, how i survived it, i really dunno. i’ve been through a lot i guess, i was really used to being pampered at home that it was really difficult for me at first, but  of course  i am proud to say that i am a survivor, and i will continue to survive wherever i may be. i guess i’ve proven that to my family, and i am proud of it. although i miss them a lot, i have learned to live with it. okay, i may be heartless at times but i really don’t show my affection that much, coz i duwanna let them know that i miss them, they might think i’ve given up already. it’s tragic, i would say, but i guess the bottomline is, i love my freedom right now. not any amount of money can buy it, of course it has it’s downfalls but i am getting used to the idea. sometimes i wonder if i would still like the idea of going home. i guess it will be different but somehow someday i would to visit my family and friends again.

the day is almost done, yet my mind refused to wake up. things are more complicated than what it seems. without the job that’s keeping me really busy, i guess i would just stare into space again. i dunno, i thought things would’ve been easier now that we finally ironed some things, but i guess it’s getting more complex than what i’ve imagined. he’s a change man, and he is happy about it, of course, i am not a selfish being, i am happy that he finally woke up from his dreamworld and decided to do something about his life. but i like the old him, i mean i can relate well with the old him. i guess i have trouble adjusting to the new him coz it seems that he is drifting away from me, and i cannot fathom him anymore. maybe the news is overwhelming, and i always get this pang that maybe someday he will forget about me. call it paranoia but that’s exactly how i feel right now. is it bad? am i being selfish about it? i want the old him! is it too much to ask?

what have i done lately? apart from busying myself with work, and slowly killing myself with numbness? i have done nothing really essential, something that makes you wanna say, life is worth living! coming here has take a toll in my personal life. but no regrets of course, that’s what life is all about. sometimes, you just have to contend with the fact that we are not in full control of our lives. events, or things happen in the heap of things, and we wonder why those stuffs happened the way they did. i mean, that’s exactly what’s on my mind right now. for the past few days, i am feeling a bit low, feeling depressed and rejected. i can’t begin to comprehend why it happened. of course, i always have this “question everything” attitude, and for the first time, answers evades me. i feel totally helpless and stupid. i am happy with a lil diversion, but at the end of the day, i still feel beaten. i dunno if i should go further or stop from here. my heart has been badly bruised and i guess it would be hard for me to trust anyone ever again. i can still remember our last conversation, he asked, if i am afraid i’d get hurt again, and i said yes, i am, coz it always ends that way. i didn’t think ours would end that way too. sometimes i envy those old married couples, with kids grabbing attention, coz they are sort of complete and contented. but what can i do? i am left with no choice. maybe my friends are right though, they think i’m mixed up with the wrong type of crowd. but what can i do? i like complications.

there are things that i wanted to keep to myself, but at times i am so overwhelmed with emotions that it is hard to contain my feelings. i wanted to express myself, yet i am so scared that i’d end but regretting it. i dunno if i should share it, but of course i know it’s worth it. i am happy yet sad—it’s so ironic how my feelings are right now. of course, i am not so sure of our future together, there might be not, all i have are empty promises. but for now i am contented. basically it’s all about contentment. i hope it lasts though. it’s always nice to look forward to something each new day

the hell am i talking about—i guess some stuffs just gone over my head.