insanity is visual
the past days had been rather painful, i dunno why i feel this way. i can’t even understand my feelings. i guess i have a massive attack of depression. who am i kidding anyway? i thought i have already let go of my past but i am wrong, very wrong. i can still feel the prickling of the pain every time i see him. i dunno what’s worse though. but i am glad i have made it this far. i am glad that now i no longer have what-ifs troubling my mind. everything is clear now and i perfectly understand why the world is round… this blog is so messed up, it totally reflects what’s on my mind right now. it is very cruel but what can i do? i have to dig deeper and move on with my life. i am totally lost right this very moment, that is on top of my personal problems i’ve been dealing with right now. a friend commented and asked why i was bitter, because he is not used to seeing me bitter, but i told him sometimes we can’t just help it. drinking it not helping though, i just have a bottle of vodka, pseudo boyfriend brought me one, housemates and i just knocked down the last bottle of JD–don’t get me wrong, i am not an alcoholic, we just love to drink a thing or two after a hard days work. it sort of put us to sleep and keep us sane in the morning… i guess i should stop it, but it might take awhile, right now, i have to numb myself from all the heartaches i am going through.
it’s not that… it’s just…
i still got the blues for you….
i could hear gary moore singing in the background, i guess my situation now is pretty depressing. aside from the song, that is!
so i went to the island of kish, in iran for my exit. need to renew my visa since i’d been here for 3 months already. the mood i was in was pretty depressing coz i heard a bunch of stories about how hard it is at the island. i braced myself for the worse. how my mind worked out the things i imagined, i dunno, but it’s been working overtime and it made me skittish. i actually psyched myself, and it turned out it’s not that bad at all. i was having a great time i guess, but it was so uncomfortable with all the layers of clothes i had to wear. but nothing could compare to my astonishment when i received a faxed copy of my visa–wait! there must be a mistake! i knew i was due for another round of visit visa, before they will provide me with an employment one. if it were in another situation, i’d be glad that i got it, or maybe if it was somebody else–same goes, but i am not somebody else, and i am in a different situation. i duwanna be tied up for the next three years. i mean i am waiting for another opportunities to come my way and right now i am really disappointed. i may sound so ingrate, with all the blessings i have received. i duwanna talk about it anymore–sigh!
re-miss thougths
i can’t believe i’ve been in this part of the world for 3 months now, how i survived it, i really dunno. i’ve been through a lot i guess, i was really used to being pampered at home that it was really difficult for me at first, but of course i am proud to say that i am a survivor, and i will continue to survive wherever i may be. i guess i’ve proven that to my family, and i am proud of it. although i miss them a lot, i have learned to live with it. okay, i may be heartless at times but i really don’t show my affection that much, coz i duwanna let them know that i miss them, they might think i’ve given up already. it’s tragic, i would say, but i guess the bottomline is, i love my freedom right now. not any amount of money can buy it, of course it has it’s downfalls but i am getting used to the idea. sometimes i wonder if i would still like the idea of going home. i guess it will be different but somehow someday i would to visit my family and friends again.
it’s a pink day!
got a call from gerald yesterday, he told me he got me a ticket for the pink concert this wednesday yipeee!!!!. oh my geez!!! i’m so ecstatic! i’m so looking forward to the concert, it would be my first concert here in dubai. i hope it’s going to be a blast. this afternoon, i’m going out with him to the wii party at troy’s house. last week we played wii at gerger’s place and troy’s gf kinda like playing wii, so they bought one and they are throwing a party at their flat this afternoon. i dunno what’s in store but i hope there’s a lot of tequila hehe.
what about…
the day is almost done, yet my mind refused to wake up. things are more complicated than what it seems. without the job that’s keeping me really busy, i guess i would just stare into space again. i dunno, i thought things would’ve been easier now that we finally ironed some things, but i guess it’s getting more complex than what i’ve imagined. he’s a change man, and he is happy about it, of course, i am not a selfish being, i am happy that he finally woke up from his dreamworld and decided to do something about his life. but i like the old him, i mean i can relate well with the old him. i guess i have trouble adjusting to the new him coz it seems that he is drifting away from me, and i cannot fathom him anymore. maybe the news is overwhelming, and i always get this pang that maybe someday he will forget about me. call it paranoia but that’s exactly how i feel right now. is it bad? am i being selfish about it? i want the old him! is it too much to ask?
it’s complicated!
what have i done lately? apart from busying myself with work, and slowly killing myself with numbness? i have done nothing really essential, something that makes you wanna say, life is worth living! coming here has take a toll in my personal life. but no regrets of course, that’s what life is all about. sometimes, you just have to contend with the fact that we are not in full control of our lives. events, or things happen in the heap of things, and we wonder why those stuffs happened the way they did. i mean, that’s exactly what’s on my mind right now. for the past few days, i am feeling a bit low, feeling depressed and rejected. i can’t begin to comprehend why it happened. of course, i always have this “question everything” attitude, and for the first time, answers evades me. i feel totally helpless and stupid. i am happy with a lil diversion, but at the end of the day, i still feel beaten. i dunno if i should go further or stop from here. my heart has been badly bruised and i guess it would be hard for me to trust anyone ever again. i can still remember our last conversation, he asked, if i am afraid i’d get hurt again, and i said yes, i am, coz it always ends that way. i didn’t think ours would end that way too. sometimes i envy those old married couples, with kids grabbing attention, coz they are sort of complete and contented. but what can i do? i am left with no choice. maybe my friends are right though, they think i’m mixed up with the wrong type of crowd. but what can i do? i like complications.
thoughts thoughts!
i dunno what’s up with me, i can’t think straight and i can’t sleep well at night, some things are bothering me right now. i wish i could attend to my personal problems. it’s just so hard to think for the moment. i have been away for so long. i would love to have a good night’s sleep… if only for tonight.
<K><K><K><K><K>
the situation is killing me, i thought it was all for the best, i was really hoping thing were going smoothly, but with a sigh, i must say that i was wrong. it’s so hard to accept that some things didn’t go as planned. what i don’t understand is why you so cold towards me, i can’t begin to fathom what went wrong, now you left a big question mark on my head. i duwanna go through this process again, i am tired of this situation–it’s always been like this, why can’t i be happy for once?
madness—it’s killing me
there are things that i wanted to keep to myself, but at times i am so overwhelmed with emotions that it is hard to contain my feelings. i wanted to express myself, yet i am so scared that i’d end but regretting it. i dunno if i should share it, but of course i know it’s worth it. i am happy yet sad—it’s so ironic how my feelings are right now. of course, i am not so sure of our future together, there might be not, all i have are empty promises. but for now i am contented. basically it’s all about contentment. i hope it lasts though. it’s always nice to look forward to something each new day
the hell am i talking about—i guess some stuffs just gone over my head.
6 more days
add 6 days i’ll be here exactly a month in hibernation. or at least that’s what i think. it’s kinda complicated, how my life is right now. actually i am confused a bit, but i guess i am just adjusting to my life here. it’s very different from what i am used to. i mean when i was still living at home i wake up with food on the table, my clothes clean and pressed. all i ever did was watch television, eat and or go out whenever i want. it wasn’t really living life the way i’m supposed to. right now, my life has turned 360 degrees though. i wake up with nothing to eat, i have to look for food, and i do my own washing right now–gawsh it’s really strange but i guess i am coping up. another thing is that i have to share the room with some guys. i am used to it but i dunno them that well so i guess adjustment plays a big role in my life right now. thankfully it feels like they are my second family, and we are all away from home so i guess we all feel the same sentiments. i couldn’t say i am very happy, well at least not that sad either. i mean the peeps i hang out with doesn’t have the same interests, i love going out and exploring the places, doing unusual things, but i guess i am alone in that. i hope everything changes though when winter comes, i guess right now it’s just too hot to walk or do anything outdoors. i still need to see a lot of peeps but i got lazy. the truth is i still dunno my way around so i am apprehensive going somewhere alone. but i’ve been in fujairah last monday, it was my day off and i went diving. it was a 2 hour drive and i enjoyed every minute of it. seeing those long stretched sands reminds me that i am in the middle of the desert. if not for the infrastructures sprawling around, i would panic and think that i am trapped or rather lost in the middle of the desert. first time i saw a camel in the wilds–haha! it was a totally different experience. i would have wanted to ask the driver to stop so i can take some snaps but we are also minding the time coz we might get late. anyway my life is kinda laidback. i guess i will have to start my adventure when it’s colder. there’s so much to tell, but i guess i just need to share my life one at a time. it’s still too early to tell if i like it here but i guess i can never complain. life is too good to me.
