tuesday blues~

i know i was never a good person, now everyone wants to kill me for not telling them i’m in town. you have to forgive me my friends, but even my family didn’t know i was going to be home for the holidays. everyone knows that i come and go whenever i like, and if i say something in advanced, then that means it isn’t me anymore. right now i’ve been swamped with messages, inviting me to go have a tête with them. my calendar isn’t really booked up, i just wanted to have some time with myself–to sleep and eat and eat hehehe. i already have an invitation to go diving, hopefully all goes well according to plan–which there’s none actually! and i am also looking forward to this weekend’s photoshoot. chi jadex was able to squeeze me in her group’s photo-op in iloilo. i feel really alienated right now, coz everyone here’s so high-tech and i don’t belong to any group so i could say i am left behind. nonetheless i am happy just to tag along and do what i love the most–taking pictures! hopefully i will have a great time there eventhough i dunno 99% of the folks i am going to be with, but i really don’t care coz we are there for one purpose and that is to shoot.

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i messaged chanks this pm, coz chi jadex told me he’s here still. i told him i am in town, and he asked when i arrived, and why i only told him now, he said he’s already flying early morning and packing his bag, so he can’t see me. WTF!–i just learned that the new gf is with him now, so probably the reason why he can’t see me…oh well.

moving in and out

i am tired of thinking…i have been thinking a lot, especially with this flat business… just moved in to this new place–my boss’ mom’s old place (she died by the way)  and a week after my boss told me i can’t live there coz the landlady said it’s for families only. what a bunch of crap! now i am in a dilemma, i am due for a holiday and i can’t really be excited about, knowing i have nowhere to crash in when i get back. this is all so fucked up. i hate this freaking place, they never really prioritized the bachelors, they only think of the families.

i hate moving around coz it’s such a hassle, i shouldn’t have moved from my old place, it’s a capital H-A-S-S-L-E. But i love the new place, it’s really cool, and i am alone, the only problem is, it is too far from my office, now i am thinking of getting my license here and a car.

spaced out

sometimes you just need to take a breather right? and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it! everyone’s been wondering what’s wrong with me. i guess they’re not used to me being so laid back. at the moment everything’s suspended! well, excuse me for being lazy, but that’s exactly what i am feeling right now. i haven’t been diving for awhile—i got me so many excuses! i haven’t touched my camera in long time, it is buried in dust somewhere. haven’t blogged, haven’t done the usual stuffs i love. i wouldn’t call it stress—i am not sure if there ever is a word to describe what i am feeling right now. what i want is to relax my mind, breathe deeply, sleep, eat and never think of anything complicated. i am not sure if i am almost at the borderline towards insanity but i wanted it this way–only for a moment, that is.

feigning sickness…

sometimes prove to be helpful. oh c’mon a little white lie wouldn’t hurt, right?

i just told the guys i’m going to be sick tomorrow, boss asked if i was okay and they were all laughing. they want me to go to the musandam arghhhhhhhh. have i known i’m still going there whether i like it or not, i would have said yes to the guiding part. gosh, i am going snorkeling! sounds like a really cool thing to do, but to tell you the truth it is not! i hate swimming around with the life ring attached to my hand. snorkeling is good only if you are doing it, not guiding. arghhhhhh again!

anyway, let’s see how it goes tomorrow. i am anticipating storm coming this part of town, mean mean mean me hahahaha. i hate waking up very early that’s why. i am never a morning person. and tomorrow i have to wake up earlier coz i have to make a wake-up call for my snorkeling partner, if i don’t do it his dad would kill me hahaha, nope i would be dead, with the number of snorkelers i’ll be guiding!

wish me luck! i’m gonna watch a movie tonight, i don’t care if i have to wake up very early!

when you’ve got nothing else to do…

you do things in the spur of the moment. one of my good friend instructor told me i am very lazy! just today he told me to do the discover program, he will be there to observe. i told him i will think about. of course i want to do the dsd but right now i duwanna jump in the pool, not that i don’t like it, but the water is dirty, i have to wait until they change the water–well call me maarte but i used to stay in the pool for a long time and later i have white patches in my skin. i’d rather go and dive at the beach, and this time of year it’s just too hot. i told him i lacked motivation. he was surprised coz i used to be very active. i guess the bottol line is– i got LAZY. so while i am not on with it, i channeled my attention to something else. when frank told me he is conducting an efri class, i told him i will join him. i still need to do my care for children before i am eligible to join the instructor course, it’s like a suicide, i joined marky’s cfc class, and had almost 30mins break, then went on to join the efri class without reading my manual ( just got it 5mins before class started haha!), the whole program runs for 3 days, i asked my boss to excuse me from my work whilst attending the full course. it was fun, educational, and it’s on a different level. i dunno why i took it really, it’s just that i got bored and need to do something with my life. i never really think teaching is fun you know, it never occured to me really! but anyhow, i survived it! then last tuesday, they asked me to assist in the classroom. technically i can’t teach yet coz i don’t have my license yet but i am preparing myself for this job. it’s like another milestone for me. anyway, too much talking about myself. i just wished i finished my DM course soon so i know where to go from there.

missing pieces

a few months back i spent my life in solitude, not that i regretted it but it’s my choice and it seems to fit my mood. i guess everyone was wondering what the hell happened to me. i never called my friends, i never see them, hardly called home, in short i was sort of incommunicado–i only talked to those who are constantly around me–mostly job related that is. sometimes i wonder what’s wrong with me, i dunno, i guess i am just going through a phase. i stopped blogging, stopped taking photos, stopped everything i loved doing except diving. sometimes it is hard to explain but i am not depressed. i am just probably tired of doing a routine work. i always hated routine and is constantly eager to try something new.

i guess i am back to my old self again coz i managed to open up my blog. i feel a lil energy sipping in my veins now, i hope this is for good, or i wondering how long it’s gonna last.

all in the past

i just wanted to greet everyone a happy christmas, so when i saw my avid ex-suitor online, i greeted him. it was just a casual conversation, then i asked him when he’s getting married, he told me that he got married already, whoa that was a shocker for me, coz we haven’t been talking for awhile. i congratulated him and didn’t ask for details. he asked if i found somebody yet, and i told him not yet, i’m a drifter, that’s why it’s hard for me to find someone, and he said that’s why he had trouble catching up with me, coz i am like that, wow! that’s too much revelation. but all of it is in the past now. what’s important now is that we are talking and that both of us have no regrets.

of nothingness

it’s one of those fuckin days. right now i really feel like crying coz i dunno what to do. talk about losing my grip, i’m on the edge already and i hate it coz i dunno what’s wrong with me. i hate it! i hate it! i wish everything is different and i wish i’d not be in this situation coz it’s frustrating me. nothing is wrong, maybe it’s the weather, or maybe it’s because i am sick or maybe i dunno. i am very tempted to light a cigarette and puff, i haven’t done it in a long time and i miss it.

insanity envelopes

i thought i know myself better, but now it seems i don’t. i have to admit that i am very lost, the road is dim, and it feels like i’m walking in circles. i hate myself for feeling this way, i am used to being so sure of myself, and right now i feel totally out of control. the guys are outside having a good time, i can hear them laughing but i just don’t have the heart to join them and be merry. instead i am stuck here in my computer writing this damn blog. i can’t understand why i am like this. i feel like crying for no apparent reason. maybe something is wrong with me, maybe i am slowly losing my grip. i don’t think it’s the weather though. there’s more to it than meets the eye.

it’s not a bad hair day…

here i am again, at my wits end. i hate it when i reach this point, i am bound to do harm onto myself. yesterday i was really contemplating on shaving my head, everyone had an opinion and they all hated the idea. the truth is i am no longer happy with my hair and it looks so boring now, or maybe it’s the weather, it’s making me feel depress. anyway i gatecrashed at troy’s place, they were supposed to play wii but when i got there, they were watching final fantasy. it was like in the middle of the film when troy suggested i dye my hair platinum–actually it did occur to me too but i am a little hesitant coz by then i would really look japanis. iwiz volunteered to shave my head and pay me hahaha, anyway they all succeeded in diverting my attention otherwise i would have done it. so at the end of the day i didn’t get what i want so i poured my frustration on food—we went to this thai resto in karama which is swamped with kabayans. and the posters on the wall was about filipino stars lolz and the videoke was playing regine’s music arghh… initial reaction was, am i in the right place? how could one eat in peace with regine shrilling in the background? anyway papartz and gerald were low on battery (they looked beaten up), and were about to fall asleep on their chairs ( i guess it’s the music, duh!). iwiz and i concentrated on showbiz chika, we weren’t really updated on what’s the latest chismis. the guys can’t take it no more, so we called it a day.